I was walking today after a few days of periodic sobbing feeling overwhelmed in my life; with Motherhood, Wifehood, perceived expectations, my business, my flaws, my businesses flaws, my struggles, my health, money, and turning 29-which is almost 30-which is almost DEAD.
In a fit of sobs, I surrendered, “I can’t live like this anymore.” No enjoyment; only a todo list. I have a wonderful life, business and career that I love, a wonderful and shining new baby, a sweet and kind husband, and I am way more healthy than not.
Why can I not get out from under the weight of my own worries, my own mind, my list?...
And that little voice came through the fog of tears and sobs.
“...Because you are letting your mind drive.
Give into your heart.
Do only that which your heart calls you to do.
The mind is second to the heart.
Live through your heart and you will become whole.”
Well, of course, my mind says:
"What kind of hokey, powderpuff fluff, shit is this…"
(Oh, the mind, that critical, overbearing, negative, cynical, relentless task master. I know I am not alone in this awful mental affliction. I think the modern world breeds this kind of mental state and fools us into thinking that this hamster wheel is how we can be happy.)
But I had surrendered and I knew I couldn’t go on in the same way.
My first thought was that I wanted to take my shoes off and run growling with anger. (hehe)
Well, as you can imagine there are many reasons to not do this.
- People will think I have turned into a feral dog and commit me as a rabid animal. (Mental breakdown or running and growling; I choose the latter.)
- I will get dirty. (As if I really care about this.)
- I might get hurt. (Oh no! A stubbed toe!!!)
When did I become such a stymied grouch? Children run barefoot and growl playfully and angrily, get hurt, and get dirty all the time. It's all fun! Why can’t we as adults?
Then came the reality... I was a lame grown up. LAME.
The shoes came off and the sprinting and growling began. More tears as I lay down in the dirty dirt (ewwww) panting.
I began to think of all the unreasonable reasons I shouldn’t follow my heart on a daily moment by moment basis.
- I will cease to pay my bills.
- The business will go into disarray.
- I will no longer answer my emails.
- In short, I will not be a responsible member of society.
Of course, these things may never happen but hey, we are here visiting my subconscious thoughts and fears, so let's roll with it.
Following your heart has become the silly thought of children. Only ridiculous and irresponsible people live from their heart.
HA! Guess where all of that ridiculous grouchy talk comes from?
So, I vowed to live with my heart. At least for the week and see what happened, see if my bills got paid, see if my responsibilities were met.
So… Allow me to share what followed...
- I made breakfast for my family with a full heart.
- I decided to take a 4 day holiday with my husband and Wren because I have been over-worked and only thinking of myself and the basic needs of my family. I didn’t beat myself up; I just made it happen because it needed to.
- I rode my bike to an eye appointment because I love riding and had a great time bantering with the staff and picking out my new glasses even though my appointment took 2 hours- I didn't notice how long it took.
- I came back to the shop and had a connected conversation with Heather and Crystal about Deep Roots' plans for the week and how to cover our needs for time off.
- I did a clinic appointment in a calm and connected way. Happy to be helpful and validated in that conversation by my client.
- I rode my bike around town delivering rent checks and settling a few bills. I also got my business license and a helpful clerk coached me to decrease my license fee and waived a fine. I felt excited to be connecting to people I care about, grateful for such an awesome tribe, and helpful community. As well as being so happy to have the money coming in from something I love to pay other people for their part in it.
- I worked on my emails for 2 hours catching up and answering questions, feeling for people and their struggles as we make hard changes in their lives. They needed answers and I was so happy to help them navigate this sometimes difficult transition.
- On to the grocery store for more fun! Glad to be able to feed my family and have the education to make good choices that don’t cost us too much financially.
- Baby to bed with lots of kisses and snuggles tucked in with thoughts of joy and peace.
- Sneaky (and awesome) date night with hubby.
- Middle of the night wake up from pain and in need of a snack because of low calories during the day and pain from eating milk filled Hershey’s kisses all day. The grouchy mind came back but I remembered to live from my heart and took the herbal anti-inflamatory grateful that I know how to make wonderful medicine and heated up some left overs.
Do you see what happened? I did everything with gratitude and a peaceful mind. I didn’t even have to WRESTLE MY MIND. It just needed to be reminded occasionally to remain in it’s secondary position to the heart. There was no judgment or attacking thoughts in my mind. There was no fear mongering or resounding NO’s coming from on high to strike me down for my clear and calm mind and happy grateful heart. My life didn’t fall into disarray, I didn’t eat cookies for dinner. I took care of my family, my responsibilities, my business and all with peace and contentment.
I am sold.
And as I continue to explore a life from my heart I will write about some of my favorite herbs of keeping our hearts large and in charge.
Has something like this ever happened to you?
You know…a mental breakdown?
I would love to hear about!